Victim-Blaming and Relationship Abuse

One of the Center’s main goals is to eliminate barriers and increase survivors’ access to safety, resources and support. Victim-blaming attitudes are one of these barriers and place survivors in greater danger.

First of all, where does it come from?

Victim-blaming is a way of distancing oneself from an unpleasant occurrence and thereby confirming one's own invulnerability. By labeling or accusing the victim, she can be seen as different from oneself.  People reassure themselves by thinking, "because I am not like her, this would never happen to me."

Why is it dangerous?

Victim-blaming attitudes only work to marginalize the victim and make it harder for her to come forward and report the abuse. If she knows that you or society blames her for the abuse, she will not feel safe coming forward and talking to you.

Victim-blaming attitudes also reinforce what her abuser has been saying all along; that it is her fault this is happening to her. By engaging in victim-blaming attitudes, society allows the abuser to perpetrate violence against his/her partner and escape accountability.

What does victim-blaming look like?

Example of Victim-Blaming Attitude:“There are possibilities for a happy relationship if both parties are willing to change.”

Reality: This statement assumes that the victim is equally to blame for the abuse, when in reality, abuse is a conscious choice made by the abuser. Every person has a choice in how they react to their partner’s actions. Options beside abuse include; walking away, talking in the moment, breaking up, respectfully explaining why an action is frustrating, etc.

Additionally, the rules on what “provokes” abuse keep on changing. Abuse is not about individual actions that incite the abuser to hurt their partner, but rather about the abuser’s feelings of entitlement and desire to control their partner.

When friends and family remain neutral about the abuse, by saying that both people need to change, they are colluding with the abusive partner and make it less likely that the survivor will seek support.

What can I do about it?

• Challenge victim-blaming statements when you hear them
• Do not agree with abusers’ excuses for why they abuse
• Let the survivor know that it is not her fault
• Hold abusers accountable for their actions
• Acknowledge that the survivor is her own best expert and provide her with resources and support

Remember if you are aware of abusive behavior and do not speak out against it, your silence communicates implicitly that you see nothing unacceptable taking place.*

*Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.