Community Education and Training

What is Relationship Abuse?

Relationship abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. An abusive relationship means more than being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you. Abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation. Abuse tends to escalate over time. When someone uses abuse and violence against a partner, it is always part of a larger pattern to try and control her/him.

It Is Not Your Fault

If you are being abused by your partner, you may feel confused, afraid, angry and/or trapped. All of these emotions are normal responses to abuse. You may also blame yourself for what is happening. But no matter what others might say, you are never responsible for your partner's abusive actions. Dating abuse is not caused by alcohol or drugs, stress, anger management, or provocation. It is always a choice to be abusive.

Please see If You Are Being Abused for assistance.

Warning Signs of Abuse

The following questions ask you about your relationship. If you are not currently in a relationship, these are signs or "red flags" to assist people in identifying a potentially abusive person.

  • Do you feel nervous around your partner?
  • Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid their anger?
  • Do you feel pressured by your partner when it comes to sex?
  • Are you scared of disagreeing with your partner?
  • Does your partner criticize you, or humiliate you in front of other people?
  • Are they always checking up on you or questioning you about what you do without your partner?
  • Does your partner repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing or flirting with other people?
  • Does your partner tell you that if you changed they wouldn't abuse you?
  • Does your partner's jealousy stop you from seeing friends or family?
  • Does your partner make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy or inadequate?
  • Have they ever scared you with violence or threatening behavior?
  • Does your partner prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do?
  • Are you expected to do things to please your partner, rather than to please yourself?
  • Do you feel that, with your partner, nothing you ever do is good enough?
  • Does your partner say that they will kill or hurt you or themselves if you break up with them?
  • Does your partner make excuses for behavior, for example, by saying it's because of alcohol or drugs, or because they can't control their temper, or that they were "just joking"?

You do not deserve to be abused. Create a safety plan or call someone to talk about your relationship. You may also want to contact the police or a local domestic violence center or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE.

Informational handouts :

Power and Control Wheels (PDF format):

Impact of Verbal and Emotional Abuse:

Note on Our Use of Pronouns

Because the vast majority of domestic violence is committed by men against women, this page was written using the female gender when referring to the abused person. Domestic violence happens in same-sex relationships as well. All the information in this section is relevant for male victims and for individuals in same-sex relationships.
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