Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness: Same Sex Relationship Abuse

Power and Control Tactics Used in Same-Sex Relationships

Blaming the abuse on the survivor’s identity or behavior (their transgender identity, bisexuality, non-monogamy, wish to practice or not practice S&M, etc.)
Refusing to let partner associate with friends and family and LGBT community.
Telling mutual friends that partner is abusive.
Getting mutual friends to side with the abuser (or to refuse to take sides).
Exploiting rural issues: lack of vehicle, physical isolation, lack of places for LGBT people to meet.
Exploiting partner’s low self-esteem related to their sexual orientation or others’ responses to it.
Putting partner down for refusing to play roles.
Ridicule, discount, or refuse to believe partner’s sexual identity; define it as a ‘problem’ or publicly humiliate partner for it.
Demean partner by contrasting their ability to pass in heterosexual society with partner’s being ‘really’ lesbian or gay.
Putting down partner’s developing body.

Threats of suicide particularly potent given the already higher rate of suicide in LGBT communities.
Scary behavior (e.g. dangerous driving)
Stalking
Threatening to out partner to family and friends.

Demanding personal service (rather than sharing chores)
Exploiting partner’s internalized homophobia and transphobia.
Telling partner they are ‘sick.’
Attributing partner’s fear of violence to their internalized homophobia or transphobia.
Demanding the partner change their dress, hair, behavior, or who they associate with.
Anti-LGBT remarks.
Blaming own violence on past or present oppression as an LGBT person.
Exploiting partner’s lack of relationship experience or uncertainty about their identity.

Threatening to out partner to their ex-spouse, or other family members who might attempt to gain custody because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.
Threatening to reveal (or fabricate) partner’s sexual orientation, HIV+ status, mental illness, or substance abuse to courts or Child Protection Services.
Threatening to out partner at school where children attend.

Controlling financial information.
Making partner hand over paychecks, justify expenditures, or commit welfare fraud.
Refusing to meet children’s needs.
Not letting partner work or go to school.
Harassing partner at work. Carries the threat of outing them.
Threatening to out partner to employer. Survivors may quit their jobs rather than risk having their partners out them at work.
Identity theft: posing as partner in order to wipe out their bank account.
Denying them domestic partner benefits that they are entitled to.