How to Help a Friend Who is Being Abused

• Know the facts about relationship abuse.
• Assure her that you believe her story.
• Listen and let her talk about her feelings.
• Do not judge or give advice.  Talk to her about her options.
• Physical safety is the first priority.  If you believe she is in danger, tell her.  Help her create a safety plan.
• Respect her right to confidentiality.
• Let her know you care and want to help.
• Don't be upset if your friend doesn't react the way you think she should. Let her talk about the caring aspects of the relationship as well. People who are being controlled by their partner's behavior must consider many factors before coming to a conclusion about how to access safety. Let her make her own decisions and support her throughout the process.
• Give clear messages, including:
• Violence is never okay or justifiable.
• Her safety and her children's safety are always the most important issues.
• Domestic violence is a crime.
• She does not cause the abuse.
• She is not to blame for her partner's behavior.
• She cannot change her partner's behavior.
• Apologies and promises are a form of manipulation.
• She is not alone.
• Abuse is not loss of control; it is a means of control.
• It is helpful to provide support to survivors.  However, there are some forms of advice that are not useful and even dangerous for her to hear:
• Don't tell her what to do, when to leave or when not to leave.
• Don't tell her to go back to the situation and try a little harder.
• Don't rescue her by trying to find quick solutions.
• Don't suggest you try to talk to her partner to straighten things out.
• Don't place yourself in danger by confronting the abuser.
• Don't tell her she should stay for the sake of the children.
• Never recommend couples counseling in situations of emotional or physical abuse.  It is dangerous for the woman and will not lead to a resolution that is in her interest. 
• Encourage separate counseling for the individuals, if they want counseling.

Adapted from EWA, Canada

Additional information in pdf handout.