Frequently Asked Questions About Relationship Abuse

1.  Isn’t relationship abuse a rare occurrence?

No. Approximately 1 in 3 women in this country will experience relationship abuse in her lifetime.* Women and children are more at risk of violence in their homes and relationships than in the street.  Domestic violence never shows up in statistics as much as it occurs.

*American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family: Report on the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family (1996), p. 10.

2. Does relationship abuse happen in same-sex relationships?

Abuse does occur in same-sex relationships. In fact, statistics show that same-sex relationship abuse is just as common as heterosexual relationship abuse. The elements of abusive relationships are similar for in heterosexual and homosexual relationships, although same-sex survivors may face additional barriers to safety and different kinds of threats may be used against them. An individual's size, strength, politics or personality does not determine whether she or he could be abused or an abuser.* 

*Adapted from verahouse.org and nwnetwork.org.

3. Don’t women abuse just as much as men do?

No. 90-95% of domestic violence victims are women and as many as 95% of domestic violence perpetrators are men.* However, men can be victims and women can be perpetrators, and domestic violence occurs in same-sex relationships.

* Bureau of Justice Statistics Selected Findings: Violence Between Initimates (NCJ-149259), November 1994; A Report of the Violence Against Women Research Strategic Planning Workshop sponsored by the National Institute of Justice in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 1995.

4. But what about those studies that show women are just as violent as men?

These studies use a research tool called the "Conflict Tactics Scale," which does not control for the context in which the violence occurred, such as use of force in self-defense or retaliation. So, for example, if a man is strangling a woman and she scratches him to get him to stop, they each get "one point" on the conflict tactics scale for use of violence! Even more significantly, if a woman has been abused by a man for years, he pushes her into the wall, and she picks up a knife, brandishes it and says "get away from me," she will get two points and he will get one. This is the substance of studies that found women are more violent than men. Furthermore, other studies consistently find that no matter what the rate of violence or who initiates the violence, women are 7 to 10 times more likely to be injured in acts of intimate partner violence than men are.*

*Adapted from Susan McGee, Minerva, Inc.

5. Isn’t most violence against women committed by strangers?

No.  Most violence against women is committed by a current or former partner.   76% of women who report having been physically assaulted or raped were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabiting partner, or date. Only 14% of physical assaults against women are committed by strangers.*

*Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes. Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, 1998. U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, National Institute of Justice, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

6. Why don’t women in abusive relationships just leave their partners?

Many people ask “Why doesn’t the victim leave? Why does the victim stay?” as if it is that simple. It is important to understand that there are many barriers to safety in an abusive relationship. The better question is “Why does the abuser do this and how can I help the survivor gain access to safety?” Leaving is often dangerous and there are many factors an abused partner must consider in the analysis of how to respond to an abusive partner.

Please see Barriers to Leaving for more information.

7. What about culture?

All cultures have both traditions of resistance to domestic violence as well as forms of acceptance of it.  Culture cannot excuse domestic violence—though abusers may use “culture” as a way to justify their choice to abuse.  Unfortunately, relationship abuse is prevalent in all cultures—.  Across the world, different cultures may have different responses to domestic violence, and some may hold abusers more accountable than others.   Culture is ultimately defined by the individual, so ask a survivor about her definition of her culture before making any assumptions and recognize that every individual has the right to live a life free from violence and abuse.

8. How do we hold abusers accountable?

Holding abusers accountable is important because it sends a message to others that abuse of any kind will not be tolerated in our community.  Unfortunately, there are still many barriers to justice in the criminal justice system, and when professionals do not understand the dynamics of domestic violence, it can make it difficult to adequately identify and prosecute abusers.  In addition, many women cannot rely on the criminal justice system due to institutional barriers, including discrimination or homophobia. Therefore, it is important for us to hold abusers accountable on an individual level as well.  Do not blame the survivor. Teach your children that violence is never the answer to a problem, and that controlling another person is wrong.